The door she opens in a dream.
I dreamed of a door where there was none and sunlight folding down the stairs, it was always the core memory of elementary school me getting a music box from my dad every time I have passed an inconvenient exam or when it was my birthday, I don't think I could be happier in these moments at some point. Recently, a couple of days suddenly feel familiar to me, in some mornings I can feel the weather was so amicable as the wind has ever once hugged my body, the smell of an air in some days, proust phenomenon, the olfactory bulb which acts like a filter, located next to the amygdala and hippocampus, parts responsible for memory; worked harder on those day. I recall it as an intense nostalgic feelings, the emotions get stirred to the extent that kind of thought or call it the heart, yearns to travel back in time and relieve those moments, the smells of the air which felt like I was still that kid in elementary school going back to my mom's office feeling relieved after I just had my exam. The brain uses a number of automatic mechanism to determine what information to retain and everything else naturally fades away, I believe that my brain has a strong fondness about the elementary school me who just had her exam. She might have felt nervous before taking it but after it done, she felt a great relief. What could be more scarier than an exam day for a 12 year old me. Maybe life itself has rewarded me with something due to my ragged edges, but it wasn't a music box, it wasn't what I always expected nor something I was familiar with. When I arise in the morning, I think about that precious moment with great pleasure as there wouldn't be any burden little kid me carry, she was just alive and breath there, to think, to enjoy, to love. Now I'm 25, I get sick very often in my adulthood and get my saudade moments pretty often, the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well being. I still frequently visit the elementary school me in 11 years ago, to remind myself that the uneasiness won't stay there forever at least until I pass my exam day, and I started to think that when the earth doesn't want to sit inside me anymore, there are some morning sunrays from my early childhood friends telling me that my armors were made of the same tears and I'm gonna make it again from another lifetime so now I attempt to fill a prescription at a small museum within me for the life has bestowed its gift. Slowly I will be full again and become a field of blooming poppies.
(rinzsu)